Diverse tides: Learning to swim, not sink

It is a familiar feeling for me to go back over thoughts and experiences. Just like the tide, these ruminations are predictable, knowable, yet also subject to weather and forces beyond my control. The weather comes from the changing spaces, places and people around me. The forces are those often governed by systems and the expectations of society. The outcome is multifactorial and multidimensional; a diverse set of tides.

On tides of joy I can float for days, the happiness lighting up every aspect of living; colours brighter, problems smaller, solutions so much easier to find. Deep happiness and intense experiences are a delight and so energising. All thoughts come quickly and expand into fractals of different directions and possibilities, each one exciting to pursue. 

Riding these waves with others, human and non human, in sync, tuned in, is just such an amazing feeling. In those moments of connection, the harder edges of the world melt away and we travel together with the tide, not against it.

Connection and connectivity can have many forms. Virtual and asynchronous are familiar friends. In the moment journeys with others are possible too, yet I find there is often a trade off here for me, between energy gained and the energy required to do the safety checks and check-ins. "Is what I said ok? What do my body and my face say? Are my mouthwords and body saying the same thing?" All these thoughts, all happening in real time, simultaneously, under the surface, currents that are felt and experienced, yet by others are unseen. Processing enters a different realm when you are monitoring and replaying every moment just to ensure that the next feels ok. This is when finding others who feel and experience the world in a similar way can literally be like finding land in the widest ocean. These are places where I can get off the boat, stretch my legs, rest and restore, knowing it's okay to be me. 

The tipping point between high and low tides can be subtle, come quickly, come without warning. Often, it's a question of energy. If I've put in too much into checking, smoothing and finding my position, suddenly I can still find that I am lost, without a tether. Here the weather and the forces that have built up around me come crashing in, compounded by wave after wave of worry, and nothing to hold back the incoming tide. This is the antithesis of surfing on the possibilities of fractals. Instead of the high, these are the depths that I am pushed into by the downward currents of doubt, forcing me to focus deeply on all possibilities of 'wrong'. On such low tides all my energy seems to disappear, the constant doubt and soul searching ache over expanses of barren emptiness. These spaces then create a vacuum where the 'what ifs' of negativity rush in still further and the cycle of self blame eddies on repeat. 

I feel buffeted often by these tides; so little control at times and too often at the whim of the elements. The destination of where I land can feel out of my control, as much as I try to steer a more level course. The energy to constantly recentre and steer safe passage can be exhausting.

For all theses reasons, knowing what helps me to find again the glimmers and sparkles on top of the waves, to find my light, these are important things to hold on to. Knowing how to read these diverse tides helps me stay on my journey, keeps me safe and helps me avoid the risk of falling over the edge, of drowning. Knowing that there are others who swim with and alongside me, who can look out for me if I'm beginning to sink below those waves of doubt, is something for which I am truly grateful.