Some autistic people may ask questions over and over again. These may be the same questions, or slight variations on a theme. Taking time to attune to the person we are with, offers space and permission to be curious about what these questions may mean; an opportunity to move away from labelling and instead to develop a greater sense of togetherness.
When we spend a moment to value another's communication, we are valuing them as a person. We understand that there is no "right way" to use language, and this allows freedom to move beyond the borders of words. We begin to see, hear and feel the energy of communication as it flows between us, unhindered by syntax or semantics. Our role in an interaction becomes more than just receiver or giver. We are each co-creators within a dynamic, fluid and sensory interactional space. We bring our own energy and we sense-make together with those we are with and alongside. Learning the shape and form of the exchange helps maintain the flow and crucially brings us closer together; deepening bonds and building mutual safety and trust.
When we think of communication in this way, dynamic and relational, emerging from the unique and individual elements that we each bring, we can begin to reframe the language we use to describe it. Instead of judgemental words that pathologise - 'repetitive, rigid and stuck' - we can think in terms of the language of connection.
This is the essence of 'Autistic Polling' (John Greally, 2020), a way of checking in and checking out that all is okay.
"These questions are non-questions, not rhetorical, but prompts directed to lowering the question-askers anxiety levels, checking on their safety level with you. Checking to see if it is appropriate and safe to communicate further. If answered correctly and on time - a comfort. Much more than 'touching base', much less than an inquisition. A test. A verbal dance even.
A focus on just the content of the words will lead us in a given direction, we might be able to learn some of the steps of the dance too, yet we are still not really dancing together. That closeness, and bond between dance partners, takes time, trust and a willingness to be in tune with another.
"When I poll, I hope for reassurance, I am assessing mood or patience-level, I may need to repeat my question many times before I establish a pattern, to identify that I am safe to proceed."
Moving in sync and together is about learning the nuance, feeling the beat and the rhythm and trusting in our close connection to sustain our shared movement. And in moving together, there is space for community, belonging and acceptance, elements that help us to feel well and that travel with us beyond the boundaries of any single exchange.
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